For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were
those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times
were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of
their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth.
Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions,
as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and
eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before
they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they
would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are
the most common five:
1.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life
others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that
their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone
unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and
had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of
your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it
is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they
no longer have it.
2.
I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed
their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also
spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of
the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I
nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill
of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the
way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by
creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new
opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to
keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence
and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many
developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried
as a result.
We
cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may
initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole
new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy
relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until
their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many
had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden
friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not
giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses
their friends when they are dying.
It is
common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when
you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life
fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if
possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance
for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they
are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down
to love and relationships in
the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and
relationships.
5.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that
happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and
habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their
emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them
pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When
deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their
life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a
long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,
long before you are dying.
Life
is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose
honestly. Choose happiness.
